He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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