I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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