There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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