you guys were way drunker than both of me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
