My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
