why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
