I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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