I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
