Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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