he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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