Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
