Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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