but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
