i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
