franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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