i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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