I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
