my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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