i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
