I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
