okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
