literally had 100 drinks last night.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
