i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
