I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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