Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
