im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
