my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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