I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
