i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
