She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I need to calm my uterus...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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