"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
