im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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