why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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