Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
