Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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