Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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