i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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