Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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