If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
my poor anus
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
