HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
3 2 1 whiskey
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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