i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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