I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
