I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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