and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
