just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
