NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
