I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
