fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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