Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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