if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
