WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
