i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
