we have officially lost it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
